blame

I've been an emotional wreck recently. There are a million different things going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. But that's not really very different than usual, so what's different now? Am I all of the sudden more fragile and susceptible to emotional outbursts, or is it (and I hope it is this) the effects of my birth control pill on my hormone levels?

In the last couple of months I've had at least two days of uncontrollable crying, several days of radical mood swings, at least one fit of rage, and several mini-bouts of depression.

I'm not sleeping well. I have tons of dreams, some of which I forget, most of which are forgettable. I wake up often, and early. When I wake up in the morning I refuse to get out of bed. I lay there dreaming and imagining what might be or could be, but always unrealistic scenarios. I imagine what I might want to be, but never what will actually be. Eventually I get up. Some days I am productive and run the few errands I have. If I'm feeling productive tomorrow I might go through the large stack of papers to my right and figure out some sort of filing system for the mess of "important" papers and financial documents that I probably shouldn't just throw away. But that's just on some days. Most days I sit around and play on the computer, hoping I've been sent an actual email or that someone has contacted me, engaged me, in some way or another through facebook. Then when I'm bored of playing on the internet and downloading new music, reading everything in my rss feed and sometimes even the news, I'd like to say that I pick up a book and enrich my life in that way, but the truth is I go downstairs and turn on the tv and let my mind be turned to mush watching first the shows that I like and have recorded, but then watching anything that might be on. I've gone to the gym a couple of times, and I hope that I can keep up with that, but I've also been eating like it's going out of fashion so there is that.

Can I blame all of that on a pill I've been taking for 6 or 7 months? Or should I just own up to the fact that when I'm not busy and being productive that my life slowly starts to fall apart, that I am incapable of self-motivation, and that I'm to blame for my general sense of boredom and unhappiness?

Should I admit that I am affected by the fact that my sort of boyfriend is moving to Japan for a month in 3 days and that I still don't know where we will stand when he does? Should I admit that I like him more than I like to believe I do?

What good does admitting any of that do? Or even assigning blame for that matter? Is it going to stop me from eating my feelings and shopping the pain away? If I somehow thought that it would, that I could get myself to deal with the changes coming in my life (moving, starting law school and on a path to a profession I am not sure I am either suited for or want, being away from people I love and an environment I've grown very comfortable in), then maybe I'd admit that the birth control pills might be contributing but are certainly not the cause. But the truth is that I'm damn stubborn, and too self-destructive to do anything that rational or helpful.

in flux

i've said it before, i hate change. mostly i think that's because my life has always been so goddamn static. i've lived in the same house since i was 7. besides college i've never really lived outside of miami. i've been a closet smoker since i was 17, sometimes not so closet, sometimes not so smokey. my grandparents have always been there for me. i went back to work at the high school i graduated from. i've always been good.
but i'm ready for some change. i think. i'm ready to stop being so good. i'm quitting the smoke, for real this time. i plan on getting out of miami.
i don't know if law school is what i want, but it is my ticket out. i don't know what i want to do with my life. i'm not committed enough to the things i love to really be able to pursue them. i don't write enough. i don't dance enough. i don't love teaching enough. at least i don't think i do. i love the school. i love a lot of the faculty. i love the idea of it, the being back in high school.
i don't love the pressure, the possibility that i am actually affecting my students, or that i am deficient and am not giving them enough of what they need. that is terrifying to me. i think the fear is more than the desire to actually do good. i wish i could impart knowledge to them, but i don't know how. my brain is too disorganized, too frazzled, too analytically sophisticated to be thinking about the material at the level that my students need. does that sound elitist? duh, because i am and because my students do not comprehend at the level i would like. or it's that they don't care, or they do, but they're hindered by their fellow classmates. the disparity is sometimes too much to deal with.
but i want to change. i love the infinity symbol because to me it represents a constant state of fluz. the one constant in the universe is time and time implies change and the movement of the infinity symbol excapsulates that for me. why am i talking about this? i got a tattoo of an infinty symbol. the beginning of the rest of forever as me not being safe, not not changing.

back in one piece- a prose poem

no, i'm not.
i hate it when i'm right about the bad things. i hate when i do this to myself.
i thought: go away. get away and forget. forgetting that i'm not the only one capable of that.

i'm not in one piece. i'm fragmented. i'm listening to kate nash and fiona apple and jenny lewis. i'm dreaming about all the things that could be but won't be. i'm wishing i hadn't been so quick to agree to an existence that is contrary to my desires. i wish that once again i hadn't played it safe.

but that's the thing, all this crazy and sad could be for naught. there are infinite possibilities. infinite courses, trajectories, that these big bang particles could take. random or predestined, i don't know where they're going, as much as i wish i did. maybe, my broken self will be put back together tomorrow, but that's a hope i won't depend on. i'm liable to break beyond repair.

change

have i talked about this before? probably. i hate change. i HATE change. i hate little changes like the buttons on gmail that they changed yesterday without asking whether or not i liked the old buttons. i hate big changes like choosing what i'll be doing next year or where i'll be. and i hate medium changes like moving classrooms.

when it comes to change, i see the glass half full. i see the death. what had to die for this change to come about? it takes too long for me to come to appreciate the new. i've had to deal with too many changes this year.

fuck it. fuck change.

violins in the background

Oh Mr. Piazza, my 9th grade English teacher. He was a strange dude. He had a funny voice, and his prayer mannerisms were overly exaggerated, and whenever you complained, he played you the tiniest violin in the world.

That violin is playing for me tonight. I can't decide if having is better than not having, if what i thought was good actually is, or if what I thought is, even exists. I'm a little confuzzled to say the least. And I'm sure you, my one reader, are too. Do you hear the violins too?

will i ever really be back?

I admit it. I have commitment issues. Nevertheless I may be attempting to recommit myself to this lovely blog. A typo I just made wrote lovelty and really, although it's not a word, I think that is exactly how I see this blog, a lovely novelty. Something new and unusual to try my hand at, but nothing I can really see myself in love with. Why? because I get all kinds of selfabsored and wallowy when I write journal style entries. I do have some things I'd like to share with the world though, including some of my craziest crazies.
One, allergy meds make my heart beat faster. I know it's inconvenient and it should feel bad, but I kind of like when my heart is sped up like that for no reason. I mean, you feel yourself being alive. It's like the mystery that is life suddenly reveals itself through the heart muscles. Part of me wishes I lived in a less scientific age when the body and the earth were still subjects of true wonderment controlled by magic, the gods, whim. I want to experience the kind of imagination that was necessary to create the beautiful stories that describe why we work the way we do, the humors, the bleedings, all of it. Does it sound strange and creepy? Do I in any way sound like I don't appreciate the advances of medicine and technology? I don't mean to. I love a computer but I miss loving books more. I am starting to wonder if I still do.
On an entirely different note, I am insane. I am an insane 12 year old. I cannot have a crush. I get all crazy and neurotic and I overanalyze everything to death and end up ruining things. I was going to describe the process by which I do all the crazy, but I realized what a suicide mission that would be as no one would ever speak to me again. I'm making it sound worse than it is. I am not a stalker, unless you think facebook counts. I am just a little delusional is all. Can you blame me for wishful thinking? I can. It only ever leads to disappointment. Isn't it funny the way things work?

i've been delinquent

but i'm back. i was going to start my posts with a sestina entitled "Sestina in Civil Court: Our Judicial System", sounds riveting right? but I left it at home and that brilliance takes too much time and effort to try and recreate. i'm going to san fran today after work, today is my last day of work. joe and i exchanged goodbye notes. i'm about to go to lunch with the ladies. i like that i'll have time for this and i won't miss work but i'll miss somethings. yay i'm back! and if i don't write for a while, blame it on california weather

I'm not back yet

but i thought i'd let everyone know that my third eye is definitely blocked up. i have a pimple directly where it should be. this means not good things for my psyche. anyone know how to get all that figured out?

p.s. court is awesome. being an attorney is awesome. knowing all the rules and the laws and being able to come up with arguments and proof for your arguments as new situations present themselves and picking juries= AWESOME!!! i'm having fun :)

p.p.s. i took the lsat on monday and now i'm done, done, done!