Loose Footing

"If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand." –Mark 3:24-25

These lines from today's Gospel caught my attention as suddenly as a chilly blast of wind jolts me out of thoughtful reverie during a winter stroll. I've been rather preoccupied lately with conflicting thoughts about my performance as a teacher, and internal concerns about my tenuous hold on confidence amid the daily struggles I experience in the classroom. On the one hand, I feel a great devotion and concern for these students and their well-being; on the other hand, I am not always convinced that I am the best teacher for them. I can recognize potential avenues for improving my integration in the school community, moderating my tendency to serious self-criticism, and making an effort to collaborate more genuinely with my colleagues. Yet I also yield to the comfort of persevering in a pattern of productive yet cold efficiency when it comes to planning lessons, teaching my classes, grading student work, and accomplishing the tasks that are readily identifiable aspects of my position as a teacher. Just as each new winter storm packs another layer upon growing snowbanks around Worcester, each passing day presses me deeper into a rhythm that, for all its familiarity and fruitfulness, is also characterized by a lack of fulfillment that increasingly troubles me. Praying about this matter deeply is difficult, and reveals the precise internal divisions that Jesus describes in today's parable, divisions which can weaken an evidently strong structure, leading to utter collapse.

On Saturday, I ran for 16 miles around the frozen, snowbound Charles River in Boston. The running paths had been somewhat cleared, but layers of snow ground down by many footprints remained slushy and somewhat slippery. Thankfully, I never lost my balance, but I was aware of how much harder I had to work amid the loose footing. Some of my effort was lost, spent in slipping and sliding, much like the loss of energy and focus I discern as I struggle with the divisions mentioned above. And yet, for 16 miles, the inertia of my effort helped to carry me forward, my center of gravity moving steadily towards my goal despite the many wintry obstacles I encountered. It is my hope that a similar grace may continue to operate in the difficult stretches of my spiritual and formational training, particularly in this present interval of regency. For although I am blessed with reasonably good balance, whether in running or in life, I would much rather stand confidently upon the work and grace of achieving integration, than fall into ruin, divided by unreconciled worries and hidden doubts.

College of the Holy Cross, Worcester MA