Mid-Lent Musings

As the third week of Lent draws to a close, I'm taking stock of what I've learned thus far in my efforts to restore my relationships with God, others, and self through the discipline of prayer and the rhythm of daily interactions. I've been troubled by some recurring frustrations: prayer has often felt more like a task to be accomplished than an activity to be enjoyed, my reticence in speaking with Jesus about my weaknesses and faults is competing with (rather than yielding to) his desire and willingness to accept them, and my intentions to prioritize periods for prayer and journaling often give way to an unhealthy laziness that leads to whittling away leisure time in a far less nourishing fashion. So much for a dramatic conversion of heart and blatantly obvious spiritual progress, it would seem.

Yet this honest assessment, despite the disillusionment it threatens to deepen in me, points the way to some concrete steps I can freely choose to pursue or abandon on any given day. Moreover, I'm increasingly aware of the following insights, which can guide me through the next three weeks of Lent:

• Be fiercely draconian in defending time for prayer and journaling. If I can spend roughly two hours a week winding down my late evenings with somewhat aimless browsing of online news sources, I can certainly find 15 to 20 minutes a night to sit in my recliner, gaze upon my prayer ledge, and settle into a prayerful period of reflection and journaling. I'd certainly feel better if I did.
• What little I'm hearing from Jesus in prayer is directly related to how little I'm saying to him. For one who's used to listening, it's an uncomfortable (yet necessary) challenge to allow myself to experience that same gift.
• My mind and my heart are two very different creations. I'm rather familiar with the skills and dexterity of the former, yet much less acquainted with the deeper mysteries and strengths of the latter. While they're not at odds with one another, they also don't spend much time together. It seems (and feels) that this situation ought to change, yet I'm not sure how to proceed.
• I could stand to learn and know much more about most of my fellow Jesuits and good friends, and I'm confident that they would say the same about me. A few wonderful relationships– fraternal or otherwise– are rich examples in this regard, yet I've been slow to engage the rewarding work of building deeper connections with those who wish to know me better, and those with whom I wish to be more fully acquainted.

God willing, with time and grace, the coming weeks of Lent will be fruitful and formative.